Self Criticism

Lately I’ve been moved by how God has really morphed me into a stronger person with each passing month. I feel as if I’ve encountered a lot of internal and external problems this year that have forced me to take a couple steps back and think about who I am and who I really want to be in this short life. Often times when something is thrown at me I blame the situation, the person, the circumstances, or anything that is not myself. Not to sound negative or self deprecating but I have come to the realization that I have a lot of things to work on when it comes to my heart and mind. Being in such close quarters with people every day on a ship has forced me to realize that I have plenty to work on spiritually as I venture into adulthood even more. It’s shown me new colors of myself and interesting behaviors I display in challenging situations. By identifying and critiquing myself, I am not putting myself down in any means, but simply making note of things that have caused problems, made me feel bad, or have impacted someone else or a situation poorly. So here it goes…. some of my lovely flaws that need some work.

1.  Confrontation. I am absolutely terrible at confrontation. If someone is rude to me, wrongs me, or makes me feel belittled I do not address it. Instead, I hold onto it internally and form ideas in my head until I am about ready to burst. ‘Bursting’ is never, ever effective. It never comes out in a good way. It hurts others, and it hurts me. And bursting can be avoided by calm communication. Confrontation does not need to be a dramatic thing, it can be simple and handled right off the bat. Respect is the most important quality we humans can have for one another –and with respect, any confrontation can be made simpler. It is entirely possible to stand up for myself, my friends, and my beliefs in a calm way. 

THE RESOLUTION: Confront, be honest, open, and do not hold your feelings in. 

2. Sensitivity. I am the most sensitive human being in the UNIVERSE. When anything is said to me, whether joking or not, I take a hit. In my industry, nothing could be more terrible than a sensitive soul. The Theatre world tears you apart. Your ego gets popped every single day in New York City– auditioning against other dancers and singers, being judged by your body, your technique, your voice, your hair, your personality. It makes my job so much more difficult if I take things too seriously. Sure, being sensitive has its perks because you care so much about others and you might feel more moved in emotional situations, but in a professional environment and with friendships, you have to lighten up a bit. 

THE RESOLUTION: Lighten up, take a joke. Believe in yourself.

3. The Overthinker. The analyst. The emotion decipher-er. I believe I am all of these things. I read into everything, anticipate something that hasn’t even happened yet. I try and get inside the head of everyone I am around. I try to make sure everyone likes me. I hate when someone seems as if they don’t truly like who I am. I read into everything said to me by family, friends, co-workers. I believe that I can detect people’s emotions. I feel strange when someone is down and I’m not. Or when I’m down and someone else is happy. I need to get one thing straight: I DO NOT HAVE MAGICAL POWERS. I CANNOT READ MINDS. EVERYONE IS DIFFERENT. 

THE RESOLUTION: Let go. Be patient with people. Let them tell you how they feel. Don’t read into anything unless you have to. And guess what, Kayley? ITS OKAY if someone doesn’t like you.

4. The Oversharing Habit: I am an open book. Always was. Always will be. If someone asks me to tell me what’s going on in my life, I usually feel like I’m capable of giving them my full life story in good detail. When i’m going through something, almost everyone I work with knows about it. Every friend, every family member. Now some of you may wonder why this is bad… I’ll tell you why. When you over share your personal life, you leave nothing to mystery and you give people too much of you too fast. Not everyone who meets me deserves to know my every quirk and childhood story. In fact, the more I stop oversharing, the more special it is for those closest to me. Best friends are best friends for a reason– they are the people who you feel most comfortable asking advice, sharing a secret, a crazy story, a fight, a troubling problem. If you share the same details with everyone else, what makes your other relationships so special? Not everyone needs to know all of my business. In fact, since I’ve stopped oversharing I feel so much better about my personal life. I have always been so close to my family that I would share every single detail of past romances, fights, friendships being compromised, etc. I quickly learned however, that no matter how close I am with my family and how much they love me, they can’t understand precisely what I am going through. And when I heal– they might not heal. WHen I choose to let someone back into my life– my family won’t. Because I’ve overshared. And then everyone is involved in your life, your problems. 

THE RESOLUTION: Stop telling everyone my problems, concerns, and highs and lows. Share only when I need to with the people that I feel would help most. 

5. Judgement. This is probably the biggest one for me. I hate to admit it, but I tend to judge very quickly when I have no room to judge at all. When I see certain behavior displayed by friends or family that goes against what I believe in, I become judgmental and feel superior. I have NO reason to feel this way when I could be judged for anything myself. People are different than me. They react differently than me to situations. They respond to obstacles differently. They choose to live certain ways because they want to. Everyone has their own pile of problems to deal with. Marriage problems, drinking problems, social problems, financial problems, family problems, tragedies, spiritual problems. But at the end of the day, I can’t pretend that I am any better than anyone. I am not. And my decisions in the past have been equally as poor. We all make mistakes, we all learn from them. Without mistakes, we wouldn’t be human. 

RESOLUTION: Don’t judge. Accept. Love. Give. And Pray.

Hope you all connected in some way to this post, 

Sending love from Halifax, Nova Scotia today. BE HAPPY> BE WELL> BE YOU.

-KJ

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